Invaders Don't Play
by Cryssy-miu
Summary: Zim is hardly interested in participating in his wayward minion's bonding activities, but if the little fools think they can beat him in a tickle battle, they are sadly mistaken. WARNING: ultimate adorable family fluff of doom that will rot your teeth straight from your mouth.


"BLEH! Stupid wig getting in my eyes!" Zim snarled as he shook it off his head and freed his antennae from under the hairy prison. "Stupid planet for making me wear it and—STUPID—RAIN!" He kicked the water droplets off and smoothed out his uniform, muttering and growling all the while. Crimson eyes leered over at his minions, who were, as usual being obnoxious and not doing what they were supposed to.

"I thought I told you both to clean the living room!" he snapped at the little bots running around the room. Zim wrinkled his face up in disgust as he evaded a dried up brown spot. "That better be mud…"

"Awww Master, you look so grumpy!" GIR exclaimed as he sat happily on Minimoose.

"Yes, I am!" Zim hissed. "I'm soaked to the bone from this HORRIBLE earth rain, I'm in a dirty living room that was supposed to have been mopped while I was gone—and I'm still on this stupid planet!" He kicked the ground. "That's enough to make anyone upset."

"Dawww….you should relax!" GIR exclaimed. "Rainy days are days to play inside and do fun stuff!"

"I don't have TIME for fun stuff, GIR!" Zim growled at the little bot. "One of us needs to be serious here. Invaders don't reduce themselves to something as degrading as playing. We aren't smeets. If you two won't do what you're supposed to than I need to pick up the work." Not that he wasn't used to it by now.

"Computer, the mop!" Zim ordered to the house. A large mechanical hand extracted from the walls and placed a wooden mop in Zim's palm. He snatched it while giving his robot minions acid glares. They seemed unphased by it. Zim dipped the mop in some water and began to scrub the floors. He felt like he was being watched and kept glancing back at Minimoose and GIR. They suddenly seemed sinister.

Zim warily observed the glint in GIR's eyes. If he didn't know any better he'd say there was something…menacing to it and it was hardly possible for GIR to be menacing unless he was in duty mode. But sure enough, GIR and Minimoose were slowly looming closer.

Unnerved, Zim took a step back. Their ominous silence was not comforting. "What…are you two doing?" He tried to put some distance between them but found himself bumping into the wall. "GIR? Minimoose?"

"Get 'im!" GIR cried. Zim screamed and moved to bolt, but his rambunctious minions crashed into him and sent them both tumbling, and the mop as well. Slammed onto his back Zim stared furiously at the two, hardly able to believe they had such audacity. "What is the meaning of this? Zim is busy and hardly in the mood for…" He trailed off with a high pitched squeak the moment he felt GIR's little claws worm along his belly, while Minimoose himself started to nudge Zim rapidly with his little nubs.

Hatched on a planet mainly bred for war and conquering Zim was hardly adept to the kind of play human children tended to do. Even a smeets they were pushed into training soon after birth. There wasn't much time to actually enjoy their childhood and thus Zim was incredibly unaccustomed to roughhousing. So never before had the irken been tickled. Immediately he realized he hated it.

"GIR! MINIMOOSE!" Zim was pushed into a fit of cackling and he thrashed and convulsed under the two's ruthless attack. "Sssstop-stop it! At once! HAHAHAHA! NOW!"

The two bots giggled and showed no signs of relenting, only amused by the way the irken struggled and squealed. Zim couldn't stand it. He was made to laugh whether he wanted to or not, and he hated it!

Finally Zim struggled free. "Enough!" He climbed to his feet and glared viciously at the mischievous little minions. "I don't know what on Irk got into the two of you, but Zim is not interested in your childish games! Some of us are trying to be PRODUCTIVE here!"

GIR's metal lip jutted out in a sweet little pout. "But Master, we'z just trying to cheer you up."

"Accosting me into laughing is not cheering me up!" Zim exclaimed. "Now if you two aren't going to help me then just stay out of my way so I can do something here."

* * *

Nearly an hour later he had finally lifted whatever disgusting filth was smeared into the floors. He still really hoped it was just mud. ….He was too afraid to ask. Nonetheless, Zim drained the mop once he scrubbed the last of the residue, and he flopped to the couch.

"The floors are still wet. Computer! Alert me in twenty minutes when the tiles have dried."

A glowing clock appeared on the tv screen. _"Yes, Zim."_

Zim glanced over to see Minimoose and GIR back at it again. The two were as carefree and happy as smeets as they played. It was an innocent spirit a part of Zim almost envied to see. He couldn't remember what it was like to just play, if he ever did.

"Don't you two ever take anything seriously?" Zim griped as he watched the robot smeets wrestle. "Can't you stop playing for maybe two minutes?"

Minimoose and GIR didn't answer, far too engaged in their match. Minimoose had GIR pinned against the floor, the poor robot laughing and squealing helplessly as he struggled against Minimoose's evil little nubs and face that nudged and nuzzled his belly. "Nahaaa, Minimoose!"

Zim sighed as he slumped to the couch. Well, that answered that. He rolled his eyes but watched the two as they played. It seemed they could go for hours and if he was betting on anyone it was Minimoose. GIR didn't stand a chance and hardly seemed to know how to fight. It was…pathetic really. Honestly even in a match as harmless and juvenile as this it was still concerning to Zim. GIR had built in weapons, sure. All SIRS did, but the fact the little thing didn't know basic combat…it was more than a little concerning. What if there arose a time where GIR didn't have access to his weapons (or replaced them with something stupid) and he couldn't defend himself?

Sure, tiny little metal fists and tinny feet wouldn't inflict much damage, but Zim could at least teach him some basic combat. Dodge, incapacitate your enemies, maybe even work on the little thing's stealth. GIR was so obnoxiously loud—not that metal feet helped to keep his where-about a secret.

Zim had attempted to tutor the robot before, but the metal child's attention span was that of a gnat and lessons would last all of two minutes before he bolted off to get food or find more…barn animals to play with. GIR wasn't interested in doing anything that didn't involve play time…but perhaps Zim could find a way to make play time evolve into something useful.

"So…this play, you find it enjoyable, yes?" The squeaky laughter that left the robots answered that well enough. He rolled his eyes as GIR tried to pounce on Minimoose, only to be pinned. "GIR, you're just asking for it there. You're never going to get out of that position that way. You have to gain the upper hand. You have to sneak up on your opponent and get him when he's least expecting it. If you want to get Minimoose to the ground you have to GET Minimoose to the ground."

Giggling, GIR was hanging onto one of the plush's antler. "Can you show me how?"

"Eh?" Zim shrugged. "Well, I suppose so. Just for a few moments." Zim stepped nervously off the couch, not wanting to be dragged into the fray again. "You have to lure Minimoose in, GIR." He posed himself in front of the plush moose. "Come at me, Minimoose!"

"Nya!" The moose dove in but Zim was faster, untold decades of training allowing him to easily dodge the moose's attack. The moment he did he seized an antler and yanked Minimoose towards him. "Start like that." He pushed Minimoose over to the little bot.

GIR crouched in a battle position as Minimoose dove down, but he wasn't fast enough and was gently rammed to the ground. Zim shook his head in distaste.

"You aren't going fast enough, GIR. You have to be more aggressive than that. Trap the moose, GIR. Trap him. Jump and grab—yank him!" He snatched Minimoose up again and the plush wiggled with a squeak.

"Yay! Master's joining the tickle battle!"

"No I'm not, GIR," Zim growled. "I'm merely showing you how to capture your opponent. I want nothing to do with your foolishness."

"Ouu, okaa-aay." The little bot gave a doleful little smile, sweet as honey as his eyes narrowed mischievously. "I understand. I wouldn't want to lose neither."

Oh, the Achilles Heel. Irked, the alien's eyes narrowed as his antennae twitched. " _What_ did you say GIR?" he hissed warningly.

The impish little bot blinked back at his Master. "No-oothing. Why don't you go to your lab and do lab stuff?" His plan had worked just as he hoped as Zim just glared furiously at him.

"Are you implying that Zim could not win your PA-THETIC ti-ckle fight?" Zim snapped. "You really think you can beat Zim at anything? FOOLISH GIR, I would take you both down no matter the competition. Your smeet-like playing is no match for me."

Cyan eyes narrowing, GIR sealed the deal. "Prove it."

 _Oh_ it was on.

"I will," Zim hissed. No sooner had he said that did both robots careen into him at once and send him slamming back onto the floor. Immediately, Zim found his hands grappling with GIR's claws. Minimoose's awful nubs kept nudging and nuzzling at his belly, ruining Zim's concentration as he laughed.

"I'm gonna ge'chuuu!" GIR squealed as he locked into a power struggle with his Master. Zim shoved against the metallic child, but it was hard to concentrate against Minimoose's assault. Giggling helplessly Zim kicked the plush-bot off of him to focus on GIR.

"Don't be foolish, GIR," Zim grunted as he wrestled his servant. "You're in a battle you can't win! Give up now, it's only going to be sadder for you if you lose!" Although he stood a good chance of winning if Zim didn't get rid of Minimoose. He used the fact his antennae were near GIR's face to his advantage as they wiggled against GIR's metallic cheeks.

GIR giggled and lost his grip, giving Zim the upper hand as he fastened his grip on GIR's claws and shoved the robot back against the ground, pinning him. GIR squealed and giggled uncontrollably when he realized he was completely trapped underneath Zim.

This was an alien position. It's not like Zim hadn't ever had to grab and pin the bot before, but for it to be part of some sort of playing was….new. But he welcomed the mock terror on the child bot's face as GIR covered his face.

"You're at the mercy of Zim now."Zim gave his signature evil grin as he loomed in on the robot. "And Zim doesn't GIVE mercy… Trapped in my claws." His gloved fingers wiggled. "My wiggly, AMAZING claws will inflict a horrible _ti-ckle_ unlike you have _ever-"_

"Nya!"

Before he could launch an attack, Minimoose rammed into him from behind. "Nya!" He latched onto Zim's side as his one little tooth nibbled gently at the irken. Zim was horrified to find the gnawing was so much worse and he cackled loudly as he tried to shake Minimoose off. His grip faltered on GIR and the moment he turned back to his robot GIR launched his foot up and kicked Zim in the face.

"Ow!" Zim reeled back, holding his sore face. He made a grab for GIR, but the child tumbled out of range. He rubbed his cheek and couldn't help but smile. Maybe that little robot did know a thing or two about fighting…

"ACK!" the irken squealed as GIR suddenly leaped onto his back the same time Minimoose managed to cling again. GIR's little claws dug under Zim's arms and Minimoose latched onto Zim's belly like a nibbly, tickling tick. The onslaught was too much. Zim's elbows dug desperately into his sides to try and protect himself, but it only trapped GIR's horrible little claws.

The two robots had an unfortunate advantage here. Zim was adept to the kind of bodily assault that caused real harm, but that wasn't going to help him here since he refused to harm them. He was doomed. GIR and Minimoose were hardly novices when it came to playing and it seemed they were well versed in tickle attacks. Every spot they targeted on him was worse than the last.

"HAHAHAHAHA—GIR—MINIMOOSE!" Zim practically squealed. He fell to the ground like a sack of giggling potatoes, crippled under his minions' assault as his eyes teared from mirth. His legs pinwheeled desperately, humiliated to find himself losing. Him, an Irken Elite, vanquished by TICKLES? Never!

"Have some of this!" Zim threw himself violently onto his other side and dislodged GIR enough that he managed to loop the bot under one arm while his legs trapped Minimoose with lightning fast reflexes. "Tickle Zim and deal with the horrible torture filled consequences!"

He honestly had no idea what he was doing, but as his claws scribbled along GIR's belly plate he screamed and laughed hysterically, so he must have been doing something right. Zim's antennae flattened at the sound and he snickered. "You could incapacitate your enemies by deafening them more than anything else."

"EEEEEHEHEHEHHE!" GIR wiggled helplessly and his little feet bopped against Zim's chin.

"Now what, GIR?" Zim cackled maniacally. "What would you do if an enemy had you trapped like this?"

Squealing and laughing GIR launched up enough to sink his metal chompers into Zim's arm.

"OUCH!" the alien yelped. He dropped GIR and lost his grip on Minimoose, who floated above him, way out of reach. "Hey! _Hey!_ Hovering is foul play, you little cheat!"

"Nya!"

"Oh, we didn't set rules did we?" Zim parroted back. His eyes narrowed vengefully as he sprung onto his spider legs. "Alright then." He leaped to the ceiling and hung onto the pipes as he leered down at his hapless little minions. "I was taking it easy on you before. Now is where Zim gets _serious."_

"Tickly free for all!" GIR declared, poised to tackle either his Master or Minimoose. "Imma getchu both!" Zim began to advance rapidly across the ceiling and GIR screamed. Both robots darted out of the room and Zim cackled as he watched them scatter like ants.

"Computer! What room did GIR go into?"

 _"_ _Ee-ee-eeugh…I'm not playing,"_ the AI deadpanned.

Zim spot a green little antenna poking out from behind the fridge and he smirked widely. "Oh gee, I wonder where GIR is," he drawled, starting to turn around. Thinking the area was secure, GIR began to poke his head out and screamed when Zim pounced.

"GOTCHA!" He wrestled the bot and tried to pin him with a pak leg. The two roughhoused like children and tickled each other breathless. Zim would never admit to taking any sort of pleasure in this; he was just trying to prove a point that he could win any battle, no matter how childish. Yet…this was the most fun he had in quite a while.

Catching his breath GIR giggled and looked up at Zim. "Truce while we get Minimoose?"

Zim scoffed. "Peh. Zim knows not of truces, you silly GIR. ….But I agree, let's get the Moose."

The robot child sprung out of Zim's grip and started to run loudly across the room, but Zim snagged him with a pak leg.

"Not like that," he scolded, lunging back up to the ceiling with his SIR. "Are you trying to wake up the whole planet? You're as loud as a herd of earth rhinos. Minimoose is going to hear you coming that way."

"But I gots metal feet," GIR pouted as he clacked the two together. He climbed up the spider leg to perch on Zim's shoulder.

"If you can't control the sound your feet make in enemy territory head for a different terrain that's less noisy. Subtlety is the key here, GIR. You have to make sure your enemy doesn't know you're coming. Then you ambush them."

He quietly scaled the pipes while staying alert for Minimoose. GIR gradually slid down Zim's leg. He spotted his moose sibling."Oh-!"

Zim clasped a hand to the robot's mouth. Their poor victim was just obliviously floating there and searching the room to see if his attackers were hiding behind something. "Quiet," he whispered to the robot. "It's all about waiting for the right moment…"

Minimoose hovered closer and peered into one of the doorways.

"…NOW!"

Minimoose screeched as he suddenly found himself flattened under the duo's assault. Zim's pak leg gently pinned Minimoose down by an antler. The poor moose flopped around like a fly with its wing trapped. Zim reeled his new victim in and the plush squeaked out desperate laughter as Zim began his assault once more.

"Peheheheh…" Zim cackled as he smirked down at his squirming, helpless prey. The poor little moose was desperately grabbing at a nearby chair leg for leverage but Zim snatched him right back. "I told you both. The fact you thought you could beat Zim at anything is laughable. Foolish, foolish little robots… Now taste defeat at the hands of—hey! GIR!"

Their Minimoose target acquired, GIR shifted back to Zim. Nothing was fair in a tickle war. He jumped onto his Master's back and Zim yelped at the sudden shift of weight.

"You horrible little _traitor!_ I just taught you a valuable sneaking technique!"

"Uh-huh, and now I sneak attacked you!"

That—well, actually, that was incredibly clever. A smile tilted the irken's lips that had nothing to do with the current tickle attack. He laughed and seized GIR. "You _dare_ to turn on your Master?"

"No sides!" GIR reminded. His little claws clasped to his mouth as he giggled and squinted his eyes shut in anticipation.

"And no mercy."

It was a final free for all as the room filled with the warm sounds of laughter as the trio roughhoused like little children, forgetting their perils on this planet and the rain pelting outside. The world condensed itself to the small space of the untidy living room, and the only thing that mattered was the current moment.

"HA! That all you got, you two? Newborn smeets put up more of a fight than that! YOU WILL NEVER DEFEAT ZIM, FOOLS!"

The timer went off on the computer but the AI decided not to remind them.

"I AM ZIM!"


End file.
